by Angela Smith | Apr 1, 2019 | Introspective
Last week I posted about giving up on your dreams. This week, I wanted to talk some about fear and resistance.
Because fear and resistance can seem like standing in the middle of a black hole with nothing but the universe staring back at you.
If your dream points you toward the image of where you want to be when you’re 80 (thank you, Lara Casey, to pointing me to this), but you aren’t making progressive steps forward, why not?
Fear? Resistance? I’ve lived with those both myself. Sometimes enough to believe I really didn’t want that dream in the first place.
Oh man, battling fear and resistance is the worse. Steven Pressfield talked about it in his novel, WAR OF ART and blogs about it now.
How many people have actually given up because of this?
From my experience, I know the resistance one can face when it comes to their creativity and sharing their creativity with others. Some people really do just get lucky, in my opinion, but some people are just really good at it. And times have changed so much. Some people embrace social media, some people not so much.
I’m one of those not so much people. Live video? Forget it!
Don’t give me wrong. I love a lot of aspects of social media. I learn so many things and I have always loved learning what makes others tick. Social media is a great way to meet new people. But when you’re a creative and you don’t feel like you have anything important to say but your current work-in-progress, it can get hard. Or when you don’t have time every single day.
But see, this is fear speaking. And I’ve battled fear my whole life. But more than fear, I’ve battled resistance, and I’m still not certain why. Fear of the blank page. Fear of having nothing to say. Fear of not being good enough? Who knows. I could go on and on.
Marianne Williamson says it best:
Our Deepest Fear
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness
That most frightens us.
We ask ourselves
Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small
Does not serve the world.
There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking
So that other people won’t feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine,
As children do.
We were born to make manifest
The glory of God that is within us.
It’s not just in some of us;
It’s in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine,
We unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we’re liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others.
I’m a big fan of Ruth Soukup and her DoItScared brand. I took her test and it rated my biggest fear based on PESSIMISM. What? No way! I am not a pessimist at all. I’ve always been a believer of dreams and try to inspire others. And yet as I read, I noticed some tendencies that have really been hurting me lately. Her pessimist fear assessment says I’m afraid of adversity. I see hardships as a stopping stone, not a stepping stone, as if this hardship is there to stop me from going further. I haven’t always been that way but I see that in me now. And I can see it’s because I’ve battled a lot of disappointment in my life so now I struggle to see hopeful possibilities. “It probably won’t work out for me” isn’t something I’m proud to admit I tell myself even when I’m affirming positive qualities.
Wow, so I guess I am a pessimist after all here lately! Why bother writing this story, it isn’t going to sell. Why bother publishing this, marketing that. Goodness what a negative state I’ve been in without even realizing it. No wonder I’m against a block of resistance!
For me, I believe it’s a season I’m going through. My natural state isn’t pessimism, never has been, so I will push past it. What about you? What fear holds you back?
by Angela Smith | Oct 7, 2017 | Introspective
A stalactite (hanging from the “ceiling”) and stalagmite (coming from the cave floor) almost touching at Carlsbad Caverns.
As an author, I love to write about adventure for my characters. I love to experience adventure myself, but only the kind with a safe outcome.
But how can we ever truly know when we’ll be safe?
For our vacation, I really wanted some adventure, but nothing too crazy. No spelunking or diving out of perfectly good airplanes, thank you very much. My husband and I love to hike, backpack, road-trip, and go off-roading in our Jeep (yes, that has its own danger). We love the outdoors, and I prefer my feet to be firmly planted on the earth. Outside. Where I can clearly see what’s going on. And definitely no crowds for me.
So when my husband suggested Carlsbad Caverns in New Mexico, I froze. Then I tried to list all the reasons we shouldn’t do that. Not when there are so many other good things to see and do.
I mean, I hate dark holes in the ground. 750 feet worth of dark holes, climbing down some cavern that we as a human race can’t really understand. How can we truly know it won’t crumble? Or those stalactites won’t decide to fall. They look fiercely piercing to me. And I really don’t like dark enclosed spaces at all. I don’t really even like elevators, most especially one carved inside a 75 foot story hole in the ground.
We’ll trek down the 75 switchback trail, experience the Big Room, and take the elevator ride back up.
This is where I almost panicked
Growing up in Central Texas, I’ve had my fair share of caverns. Family vacations, school field trips. Why would I want to see another cavern? I’ve actually already been to Carlsbad Caverns as a child with my family. Why go again? Did my husband not understand how traumatizing most of the caverns had been to my young soul? Tour guides turning out the light so you can see there and experience how truly dark it is down there? Barely able to breathe. No thanks. Been there, done that. Probably had a shirt at one time or another.
I wanted to be brave, but I’m not really. I almost had a panic attack on the third switchback, especially after the ranger who took our ticket very excitedly told us we’d be hiking down 75 of them. It’s one thing to be driving up a mountain on a switchback trail, which in hindsight is probably way more dangerous, but it’s another to be underground, the dark, where you can’t see. But it was lit very well, actually. No tour guides turned out the lights and no rocks fell on my head. I felt the fear and did it anyway, and it was an exhilarating experience. I almost turned around on the third switchback, and I most assuredly almost cried. But the further we hiked, the more comfortable I became. Even brave enough to walk ahead of my husband and stop holding his hand down the long trek (although that was nice, and any excuse to hold hands, right?)
And it was massive. Nothing like an underground hole at all. It is amazing beyond words, and the history of this cavern is amazing. The fact a 16 year old boy discovered it when he saw what he first thought was smoke and wondered where it could be coming from back in 1898, then discovered it was bats flying out of a cave that he would later explore. A 16 year old, born in Mason County, Texas, who moved to New Mexico. He built his own ladder from wire and wood and held the ladder in one hand and a kerosene lantern in the other. To find out more about James White, just Google his name. Or better yet, visit the cavern and learn from the history there.
This stalagmite is still growing and one of the largest in the world. I can’t remember the exact history now, unfortunately, but it was amazing. Pictures can’t do this justice.
Needless to say, I had an amazing time and I am glad this tiny but pervading fear did not ruin such a wonderful experience. Seeing it again now, after all these years, was amazing. And I would definitely go again.
Fear is such a funny thing, and different for everyone. Some people can jump out of a perfectly good airplane but scream at spiders. But fear is a true emotion that is wonderful to conquer.
Mind you, I won’t ever conquer the fear of jumping out of a perfectly good airplane, but crawling down a hole and then rushing back in an elevator fixed into that massive hole 75 stories below ground now doesn’t seem so bad. And these experiences always make me a better writer as a carve adventures for my characters.
Do you have any fears that, on the outside, seem so silly but on the inside are actually huge and terrifying?
