by Angela Smith | May 9, 2018 | Guests, Relationships
Today, Jill Culiner shares the grumpy side of love!
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Yes, I know. Angela has invited several of us to discuss relationships, love, and romance. And, here I am, with a grumpy title. It’s not that I don’t believe in love, or that I think it can’t work out. On the contrary, I write romances because falling in love is such a wonderful experience. But keeping love alive is tricky — although, according to long-term marriage specialists like Susanne Mathews and Erin Kane Spock — it’s certainly worth all the effort.
“Oh, come on,” says the devilish imp who is snuggled permanently into a cozy nook deep inside my brain. “Haven’t you’ve seen enough couples who’ve been together for ages, but are so awful to each other, they shouldn’t even be allowed to live on the same planet?”
Yes, we all know couples like that — the ones who stay together out of habit, or fear, or financial security, or lack of something better to do. I remember meeting one particularly ill-assorted pair at a dinner party. She, Carole, hated her husband Larry, you could see that immediately, although they’d been together for years. At one point in the evening, a few people began telling jokes, and Carole (her teeth clenched tightly) said: “Larry has a joke too, don’t you Larry? Don’t you have one joke? Go on, Larry, tell your one joke. Tell it the long way, like you usually do.”
That memory has stayed with me all these years… I think you can see why. And, I’m also sure you know couples that — even if they’re still caught in the first heady flush of romance — just aren’t going to be a long-term item. And when I happen to find these disaster-bound couples in a romance book, it’s even more frustrating. You know their glowing faces will soon be glowering at each other in the divorce court. So, let’s analyze why they’re doomed:
- Can we really believe that the sulky bad boy who suddenly falls in love and becomes Mister Nice Guy will stay that way? Really? Nope. You and I know that bad behavior will surface again, just as soon as love’s passion and glitter calms. Sulky, chip-on-the-shoulder people have a life-long affliction. And ditto, for the self-centered, spoiled brat heroine.
- How about those all multi-millionaire sheikhs, princes, princesses, heroes and heroines? Can bubbling indoor fountains, fast cars, sleek designer togs, and consumer goods, really keep a couple together? Isn’t all that excess more likely to, only briefly, mask everything that will never, ever be right? How about conversing with each other? Sharing interests? Having goals? Dreams? Think about what their prenuptial agreements look like (yes, rich people always have them) and those stories don’t look so cute, after all.
- Have you read a romance where the new couple spends a romantic evening together watching television? Do you find that idea stimulating? What will they be doing together in ten years time? Yup, you’ve got it. Watching television. Ho-hum.
- How about the baby obsession? How many books have you read where a baby is the reason people suddenly decide they are in love? Guess what will happen in a few years time, when everyday frazzle, sulky children, or an appointment in juvenile court, wears flayed nerves thinner.
- Okay, macho domineering heroes have been out of fashion for a long time now. But what about the modern heroes who have to bend over backward to please a heroine? Why do they have to do that? Because she’s icy cold, or defensive, or damaged, or fearful, or suspicious, or obsessed with making a success of her business. Frankly, if you want to enjoy life, this lady should be avoided at all costs. She isn’t going to warm up: all she’ll eventually do is join a sect, or go into therapy. And our hero, with his excess of flowers, chocolates, phone calls, and tickets to paradise, is probably no gift to women either. He’ll end up smothering any heroine. He’s the sort who can’t leave you alone to think. We’ve all met people like that too, haven’t we?
- The hero or heroine with an obnoxious family: can their romance work in the long run? Don’t believe it. That obnoxious family will still be there, making trouble after the wedding, after the career change, when the children come, or the new house is bought, or when grandma’s will comes to light. The only way to keep romance alive, is if the hero and heroine move to Outer Mongolia and forget to send their new email address to the toxic relatives.
- Sex. Great sex. On the bear rug, in the kitchen, in the bathroom, in the sauna, in the pool, in the sea, on the photocopy machine, under the boss’s desk, in a closet, in a car, in the forest or the jungle, on a fast-melting iceberg, in a bowl of warm soup. All that plunging, howling, climaxing, gurgling, whipping; the endless wanting. Hey… guess what folks: there’s going to come a day when either hero or heroine just isn’t in the mood. That’s when the sulking starts, or the migraine, or the bad temper, or the resentment. And the “lovers” haven’t even had a chance to find out if they have anything else in common.
So, what’s the solution? Let me tell you another anecdote:
A few years ago, I went traveling around the USA on trains and buses. One morning, I stopped in a sleepy, scruffy town in northern Florida. The next bus out wasn’t until that evening, so I spent the day taking photographs and poking my nose into odd places.
By late afternoon, I was pretty tired — walking around with a heavy backpack and camera equipment can be exhausting — and I was also mighty hungry. However, no matter where I looked, I couldn’t find a place to eat.
I went up to a rather sweet-looking man and asked if he knew of a place that was open. He smiled, took in my backpack, my walking boots, and came to the conclusion that I was a homeless person. Immediately, he gave me the address of a local charity that provided free meals to the needy. “If you go there in about two hours, they’ll be open.”
I opened my mouth to explain that I wasn’t homeless, that I was just looking for a decent restaurant, when he added: “I go there every evening. They’re great people.”
So, I simply thanked him.
We stood there chatting for quite a while — he was kindly, interesting and, because he spent a lot of time in the local library, he knew a lot about Florida’s history. Eventually, we said goodbye. I watched as he went into an alleyway, came back out wheeling a rather battered-looking bicycle loaded with the many bundles homeless people lug around with them. And on the back of the bicycle, he’d attached a big sign. And the sign said: Be Nice.
So, that’s my solution, folks. Be nice. All of us have to be as nice as we can. And if we do that, love can work, relationships can last, and all the nice heroes and nice heroines will keep on smiling.
Bio
Born in New York, raised in Toronto, Jill Culiner has lived in several cars, one closet in Paris, a Hungarian mud house, a Bavarian castle, a Turkish cave dwelling, in a haunted house on the English moors, in the Sahara desert, on a Greek island, and in several small French villages. She has worked as a go-go girl, a b-girl, a belly dancer, fortune teller, translator, newspaper deliverer, radio broadcaster, contemporary artist, photographer, actress, and author.
As J. Arlene Culiner, she writes romances with wonderfully intelligent older heroes and heroines; as Jill Culiner, she writes mysteries set in France, and filled with obnoxious characters. Her other books are: Finding Home In the Footsteps of the Jewish Fusgeyers, winner of the Tannenbaum Award for Canadian Jewish History; and Félix et moi: à la recherche du patrimoine.
by Angela Smith | May 2, 2018 | Relationships
Well that’s a million dollar question and the name of a multi-million dollar song by Van Halen. A song I happen to love still to this day.
According to the song, you feel it together and it lasts forever. Although I agree with that to an extent, I do agree that true love is love that you feel together, and I believe it can last forever, although it changes from a love/lust stage (romantic, falling in love stage) to a stage than borders on boredom and routine. That stage is when it’s important to have your routines, but not get too mired in a rut, either.
The truth is there’s no way to know. I mean, I think you just know, instinctually, but so many people get confused or are too in love with the idea of being in love that they quickly get sucked in but can’t overcome the bad stuff.
We’ve had some great posts about relationships already, and next week Jill Culiner visits us to show us the grumpy side of love. But for now, I leave you with a few quotes from Burn on the Western Slope on what love (and lust) feels like for this couple.
by Angela Smith | Apr 25, 2018 | Guests, Relationships
Today, we welcome Susanne Matthews, who is here to share some very good relationship advice from her characters of Wedding Bell Blues. And wow, congratulations to her and her husband of 47 years!
Relationships aren’t easy. They don’t just happen. There’s a lot of work that has to go into them before they become the happily ever afters most of us long for, and once they do, the work is only just beginning. One of the components of a lasting relationship is romance. Person A meets Person B and they both live happily ever after is a simplistic explanation for one of life’s most difficult challenges.
Regardless of who is involved, whether it’s the characters in my stories, or my friends and family, romance is the initial stage in a relationship between individuals. I’ve been fortunate enough to find my happily ever after. Come September, my husband and I will have been married 47 years. To some, that sounds like a life sentence. It isn’t. It’s a wonderful adventure on occasionally stormy seas that makes life worth living.
But for some people, romance doesn’t necessarily lead to a long-term relationship as both MJ and Paul discover before they come together in my novel, Wedding Bell Blues.
As MJ puts it, “I thought Mark was the one. I knew he’d been a bit of a jerk when we were younger, but I really believed he’d changed. Until he cheated on me. Maybe the forever kind of love she and my father had really doesn’t exist anymore.”
Paul’s take on love is a bit different, born in his early years when all he saw was the dark said of love gone wrong. “I don’t believe in love, so when my fiancée dumped me, I wasn’t all that surprised. My mother loved my father, and all she got out of it was a broken nose and a broken heart. Love is for fools.”
How can these people learn to trust in love again? It all goes back to romance.
When Paul and MJ meet for the first time in fifteen years, each one takes something different away from the meeting, but neither can deny the attraction. He sees it as his duty to look out for his best friend’s kid sister, the girl who was the closest thing to a sister he would ever have. She saw her first love as a jerk who not only hadn’t recognized her but had called her fat and an old maid. He would be the last person she would ever turn to for help. But, no matter how hard they try, they can’t deny the attraction between them.
When MJ finds herself stuck on a honeymoon island resort, Paul, the last man she wants to rely on, turns out to be her only hope, and since he would do anything for her, Paul sees it as his duty to help her out going so far as proposing to marry her to save her reputation. But MJ wants what her parents had. Can she accept the idea of a loveless marriage?
The early stage of any relationship is the romance period, what my friend refers to as the chocolate and flowers season, a time when two people get to know one another, warts and all, and while my characters go through this at breakneck speed, they do get to know one another. MJ realizes that Paul is a man broken by time and circumstances and determines to show him that love exists and that he is worthy of it, while Paul realizes MJ is far more than his best friend’s kid sister—she’s an essential component of his ability to be the man he wants to be. But their road to love and a happily ever after isn’t easy, not with mermaids and pirate treasure to find, and Quimbois magic to muddy the waters. Come join them on their journey of discovery. You won’t regret it!
Book Blurb:
Romance, mermaids, cursed treasure, and more.
MJ’s having a bad year. She’s canceled her wedding but refuses to give up the honeymoon. When she arrives on Paradise Island, she discovers her ex has changed the reservation. Stranded, she has to rely on her first love, a man who sees her as his kid sister, for help. When Paul discovers the man behind her plight is the bully who made his own teen years hell, he gets MJ to agree to pretend to be his fiancée. Reluctantly, she agrees. Add in mermaids, treasure hunters, and Quimbois magic, and anything can happen—even falling in love.
Purchase Link: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B078J5GVJ7
Updated author bio:
Amazon bestselling author Susanne Matthews was born and raised in Cornwall, Ontario, Canada. She’s always been an avid reader of all types of books, but with a penchant for happily ever after romances. A retired educator, Susanne spends her time writing and creating adventures for her readers. She loves the ins and outs of romance, and the complex journey it takes to get from the first word to the last period of a novel. As she writes, her characters take on a life of their own, and she shares their fears and agonies on the road to self-discovery and love.
Not content with one subgenre, Susanne writes romance that ranges from contemporary to sci-fi and everything in between. When she isn’t writing, she’s reading, or traveling to interesting places she can use as settings in her future books. She always spending time with her husband and family whether that involves cuddling by the fire or traveling to various sports activities to cheer the grandkids on.
Follow Susanne on her: Website Blog Facebook page Twitter @jandsmatt
Amazon author page and Goodreads author page
by Angela Smith | Apr 18, 2018 | Guests, Relationships
Today we have Mitch Johnson from Dakota Star’s novel, The Sweet Life. He’s here to tell us his views on a successful relationship!
Mitch is a sweet on the inside, tough on the outside cowboy working at a dude ranch as lead wrangler, barn manager, and more. When Alexis visits and turns his life upside down, Mitch will do anything to win the beautiful red-head’s heart. Country sweet falls hard for a little city spice.
Mitch, well suited for the physical demands of a life spent outdoors, is tall, tan, and lean. But his eyes are his most noticeable feature: bright golden brown and friendly. Hauling hay, leading rides across the open meadows, or rescuing stray cows, gives Mitch ample time to think about his relationship.
Some relationship advice from a cowboy:
- Work at it: The Sweet Life Dude Ranch needs lots of TLC. There are demanding days that don’t go well and some that end in failure. But it’s important to remember those types of days are few and far between. More often, relationships, like the ranch, bring fulfillment and fun. Both are full of love, joy, and special moments. Know that the benefits of the ranch or a relationship can’t be enjoyed if you do not work on it and try to improve it.
- Enjoy the moment: Like a long lope across a meadow full of wildflowers, moments in a relationship can be magical. Even if it’s not forever, relationships offer opportunities to see the world in a new way and to grow from the experience. Every relationship teaches you something. Enjoy the moments, enjoy the magic. Make memories that last a lifetime even if the relationship doesn’t.
- It takes a little effort every day: Just like a working ranch, a relationship is in need of constant maintenance and repair. If a fence collapses, the horses escape; if cowboys don’t properly care for the animals, they fall ill. A relationship needs constant attention to avoid things going awry.
- Be honest, but not to the point of cruelty: Honest communication is critical to any relationship, but it should be done to improve the situation never to hurt the others person. After dealing with Alexis’ hot temper and spicy, city attitude, this cowboy learned the importance of being both honest and kind.
- Keep moving forward: Mitch had a chance to be a desk jockey but chose life on the ranch and never looked back. He understood the importance of finding what makes you happy and moving forward. Relationships are the same. Don’t look back, keep moving forward.
Book information
Title: The Sweet Life
Author: Dakota Star
Genre: Contemporary Romance
Release: April 3, 2018
Goodreads: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/39156340-the-sweet-life
Blurb:
Alexis takes her job very seriously. As one of the younger account executives, proving herself in the workplace is much more important than having a love life. And now that she’s been assigned a dude ranch account, she’s more determined than ever to show her doubters that she has what it takes.
Unfortunately there’s a tall, hot-tempered, brown-eyed cowboy who manages to distract Alexis from her goal by grabbing her attention…in a non-professional kind of way.
Mitch is the cowboy of her dreams—and also a distraction her career can’t afford.
And the real kicker? He also happens to be the ranch owner’s son, and this little fact alone has the potential to ruin everything for this city girl.
Buy Links (Kindle Unlimited):
Amazon US: https://amzn.to/2H6Xymy
Amazon CA: https://amzn.to/2pZmF38
Amazon UK: https://amzn.to/2H4Ud7A
Amazon AU: https://amzn.to/2pZMmju
Author Bio:
Dakota Star likes worn-in cowboy boots, a well-trained horse, a cold beverage, and trails to ride in the woods. She lives in Connecticut with her husband and two daughters. Both her daughters have finished college and moved away so her dogs, cats, and retired horse now keep her busy. When not outside hiking or horseback riding, she loves to read and travel. She has worked as an editor, a freelance writer for local newspapers, and an educator at local environmental non-profits like aquariums and The National Audubon Society.
Social media links:
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/lisa.acerbo.5
Twitter: https://www.twitter.com/@Apocalipstick_
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/laft100/
Blog: https://dakotastarauthor.wordpress..com/
Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Dakota-Star/e/B07BNSZ73Q
Goodreads: https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/17806324.Dakota_Star
by Angela Smith | Apr 11, 2018 | Guests, Relationships
Today’s guest post is Erin Kane Spock. She writes Elizabethan era historical romance, and her romance story is classic! There is definitely no mystery about her relationship advice and what makes relationships work! Congratulations to her and her husband for recently celebrating twenty years!
Find out more about her here: https://courtlyromance.blogspot.com/p/publicity.html
I remember the day that I realized my husband was THE ONE.
I had recently come out of a relationship where my ex-boyfriend was the type of guy who put himself first always. He was once hours late picking me up from work because he was finishing a video game with his friends. These type of behaviors made me sad, but I treated them with a sense of resignation that came from a lack of self-respect.
Brian, my husband, and I started out with a long distance relationship. I lived in San Diego, he lived in Tucson. He was out visiting and asked if he could borrow my car for the day while I was at work. At the end of the work day he was there, on time, with my car. He’d had it detailed, the tires rotated, and the oil changed. He did that because he saw a need and he met it.
That was it for me.
Yes, he’s given me flowers and chocolate and fancy dinners over the years, but it’s the thoughtful, everyday things that really sweep me off my feet. Flowers are romantic and thoughtful, but getting me a fan with an air filter to help with my allergies is love. I am not saying our relationship is an epic romance. We have had, and will still have, the occasional wrench in the gears, but we trust each other to work them out.
We just celebrated our twentieth anniversary this past December and he is the best partner and father, the best man, I could imagine. I honestly don’t deserve him (really, I don’t–he’s a better person than I am).
That brings me to my point about love and happiness – it’s not something we deserve. In the Declaration of Independence, Thomas Jefferson wrote about our unalienable rights, among them the “pursuit of happiness.” Not the right to happiness, but the right to seek it out.
In my novels, Courtly Pleasures and Courtly Scandals, both my heroines have to get to the point in their personal journeys where they realize they are worthy before they can make the decision to go after their own happiness. Set in the late sixteenth century, both my heroines were raised with and believed in the norms of the time. As women, their lives were manipulated by the men in control. Choosing to be happy meant accepting the responsibility for their own decisions and asserting themselves despite the obstacles. Neither of my books involve the perfect man showing up who takes them away from everything and makes them happy. Of course they fall in love (it’s romance!), but that man doesn’t magically fall into their lives and solve all their problems with his penis. In the pursuit of happiness, they choose love.
Love is a verb, not a noun, and is an action. It’s work. That first flutter in your chest or the corresponding sexual response is infatuation. Arousal. It’s immediate. Love can grow from this, but it’s so much (this is all my opinion and I’m not an expert of any kind) more. It’s a mutual agreement, a partnership. It is based in trust. It takes effort to maintain and so many people give it up when it becomes difficult. Infatuation is a chemical response and so easy, but love is emotional. My aunt and uncle had a needlepoint pillow on their couch when I was a teenager that said, “choose your love, *love your choice.” It really had an impact on me.
I think all of my books will have this theme because it’s important to me and something I want women to know—they can be happy if they let themselves. It may take effort, but it’s not impossible. Call it my message.
We read romance as a fantasy. It’s an escape from the day to day. Some people say that it gives the readers unrealistic expectations, but I like to think it shows us what is possible with some effort. The fantasy is the castle in Scotland, or the fabulous gowns. The glamour is a great escape from laundry or picking up the dog poop. But the idea that we are capable of great love and that we can be happy doesn’t have to be a fantasy.
*Note: Loving your choice doesn’t mean staying with a horrible person, or resigning yourself to a bad decision. It does mean not taking your partner for granted or expecting everything to feel like that first blush of infatuation. I’ve heard people say their marriage failed because they fell out of love, and that can happen easily if you are expecting love to be something that just happens. You define what is romantic for yourself. Romance might mean taught abs and a roaring fire during a blizzard in your fantasy, but in reality (to me, at least) romance is my husband getting up with me in the middle of the night to bathe the three year old while I clean puke out of the carpet, or letting me just cry when my publisher gets closed down. It’s my husband not treating my emotions as if they’re irrational because he knows that I feel them and they’re real to me. It’s him making me gluten free pancakes so I can enjoy breakfast with the rest of the family and unclogging the drain in the tub. All these things are an expression of love and he deserves for me to see that. He may not have abs, but then again, neither do I, and he loves me anyway.
Erin Kane Spock writes Elizabethan era historical romance. Find her on her blog at CourtlyRomance.blogspot.com, on Facebook at Facebook.com/Spockromance, and on Twitter at @kanespock. Courtly Pleasures and Courtly Scandals are available at most eBook sellers. Check out her author page on Amazon at https://amzn.to/2pK6mr9.
by Angela Smith | Apr 4, 2018 | Relationships
Welcome to my first installment of relationship advice offering tips, tricks, and memories in an attempt to solve love’s mystery. I have a great schedule of romance readers, authors, and others stopping by every Wednesday to share their wisdom of love. When I put the call out to invite others to participate, I had several say “I’m no expert!” My reply is: “Are there truly any experts in the field of love?” I haven’t met one yet! (Although my husband…he does come pretty close sometimes, LOL!)
So my first installment is about bad relationship advice, and it is brought to you by my loving cat, Romeo. Folks, this is what not to do in a relationship!
Act like you don’t care.
This is actually (bad) advice many people take to heart. And maybe sometimes this reverse psychology does work on certain people. I rarely recommend doing it. If you want a relationship to work, you have to work at it 110% (there is no 50/50). Acting like you don’t care to try to get someone to “chase” you is not the way to do it. (Although it does work with cats.)
Be serious all the time.
Sure, there’s a time to be serious, but then there’s a time to be silly and if you can’t laugh with each other, what can you do?
Don’t share
We all know this is terrible advice. We were taught to share since we were babies. (And Romeo didn’t mind sharing this bedding he founded from a warm pizza box!)
Never trust.
For a cat to lie on their back and show their belly is a huge sign of trust. There’s even a joke out there where a cat does that to be all cute so that when you go pet them, they attack. I raised Romeo from a baby and had to bottle feed him when his feral mother died, so I’d say he trusts me a lot! Trust in a relationship can be difficult, especially if you’ve been in dishonest relationships in the past. Heck I’ve been married twenty-four years and still distrust sometimes because of the intrinsic fear of abandonment. So if you want bad advice, don’t ever trust anyone. But for a relationship to work, you have to trust.
So that’s it. Bad Relationship Advice from a cat who is actually extremely loving. But I hope it made you smile, laugh, or at least roll your eyes. Or maybe even coo at the sweetness of my cat. Because who doesn’t love to share their cat pictures? Be sure to drop by every Wednesday to read what others have to say about love.
